So This is Happiness? My Journey Through Treatment :)

I posted on Facebook a couple of weeks ago that I would be publishing my Sri Lanka blog soon, but obviously that has not happened yet and I felt like I should exlpain the circumstances behind that. As I am so open about mental health and mental health advocacy I feel as though it is only right if I share the journey I have recently been on with whoever might be reading these blogs.

Before I left for Sri Lanka it was a bit of a turbulent time for me. I felt very overwhelmed and almost as if my trip were a test to see how I'd do when I leave for school in Scotland soon. Even though the trip itself didn't intimidate me, it was the change that did. As I've discovered about myself, I do not deal well with major changes or the end of relationships - as I'm sure most people can relate to. I've said in the past that Youthline has been such an amazing part of my life, and this continues to stand true in every aspect. When I was experiencing these overwhelming emotions before I left, it was the supervisors there that I felt comfortable confiding in. As I knew they would be, they were so extremely supportive and cared so much about my wellbeing. They helped me set up a safety plan for Sri Lanka and have always been there for me to check in with and laugh with.

That being said, when I got back we had several conversations and decided that some form of intervention was needed. One of my biggest struggles is finding productive and helpful coping strategies to deal with my overwhelming emotions when they surge up. That's when we decided that I should enrol in a treatment program for my depression and to enhance those coping skills. Since then it has been four weeks and I have been participating in the St. Vincent's intensive outpatient treatment program. While it was frustrating and emotional at first to put my life on hold, taking time off from work and stopping Youthline, I knew it was what I had to do. And honestly, it has been one of the best decisions I've ever made.

My defense mechanism for hiding my feelings has always been humour and putting a smile on my face for others, but the truth is that I haven't felt happy for at least two years. I have felt drained of energy, frustrated with life, and it's been a constant struggle to keep going. It truly is difficult living with depression (or any mental health problem), and it wasn't until recently that I realised it doesn't always have to feel like that. I had resigned myself to the fact that these feelings were my life and this was just how it had to be. Now I know that is not true. Since starting this program, I have finally felt consistent happiness again - something I never believed possible. And let me tell you, it feels amazing. Who would have figured that being happy feels great? It sounds so simple, but it can sometimes be hard to believe when your mind is telling you otherwise. It really does feel so great though, and I really do feel so much happier.

I've learnt so many coping skills being here and so many reasons to value the person that I am. It has always been hard for me to believe the people that told me it would get better with work, but I've put in the work and now I see the results - and I'm loving the results. For anybody out there who's struggling: I know that the thought of treatment is really scary, but please believe me when I say that it truly can be helpful and even life-changing. Happiness is hard to come by, it takes a lot of work - truly a lot of work - especially for somebody who might be dealing with a mental illness. If you persevere through it though, happiness is attainable. I've learnt how important self care is in that process to feeling well, and how crucial a strong support system can be. If anybody needs somebody to talk to, I am always here.

My Sri Lankan blog truly will be out soon, but I'm not going to stress about it because my self care is inevitably what is most important :) I hope that you were able to get something out of this blog, whether it be some insight as to what mental health struggles look like, or if it was just an interesting post to read. If not - that's alright too, I'm happy and I don't care about haters 😊

Thank you to everybody in my life who supports me and makes me smile, I couldn't have done it without you!