Relapse Sucks

Hello hello, hope everybody has been doing ok and having a great summer! One of the last times that you heard from me was about how I just finished treatment and everything was rainbows and unicorns. I would love to tell you I still live in that magical world but unfortunately, life is never really like that. Things haven’t been great and I wanted to share my experience with that as it is part of my gap year. Previously I think I unintentionally sent a false message that mental health sucks but if you get treatment then everything goes straight back to being great again. That isn’t my experience though, and not the experience of almost everybody I know so I wanted to do a follow-up post about that. About what a relapse is in terms of mental illness, and what that has been like for me personally. It hasn’t been easy, that’s for sure. 

When you read the word relapse, one of the first things that come to mind is probably about drugs. Am I right? I think we tend to get very stuck in that mindset when talking about relapse and the negative connotations that go with it. Relapse is defined by Merriam-Webster as “a recurrence of symptoms after a period of improvement.” I like this definition because it makes it more objective. It is simply the measurement of symptoms, with no blame or negativity behind it. 

With the limited amount that our society talks about mental health, the majority of it is focused on recognising those symptoms the first time, what it feels like, and the recovery stories. What about those who put in all the work and recover, only to fall back into that negative cycle again? Because that happens a lot. Recovery is often looked upon as a linear line, when in fact - especially when it comes to mental health - it is full of ups and downs, spirals, and cycles. And that’s ok.

The thing that sucks about relapses is that they can be just as hard - or worse - than the first experience with those symptoms. After finishing the treatment program earlier this year, I felt great. Like I said in my post, I wasn’t doing AMAZING but I finally figured out how to cope and help myself. I put so much work into feeling great and all these strategies, it’s hard to explain how crushing it felt to realise I was slipping back down into that dark hole again. That’s what makes a relapse so hard. I think there’s an expectation of being able to handle it better after the first time, and that less support is needed - which could be true - but this expectation can add a lot of pressure. Pressure to stay quiet about feelings and symptoms. Pressure to handle it alone and not drag anybody into the mess again. Pressure to be ‘strong.’ Mental health is something that looks different for everybody. Feelings can come in waves, hit you like a cement block, or slowly creep up behind us. There’s never one set of symptoms, one way to fix everything, or one path. Life can be amazing and fulfilling, but it can also be kind of fucked up.

Once I realised those warning signs for me (usually something along the lines of sleeping more, less interest in things, more anxiety, and numbness) had come back, I recognised that I needed to do something about it. I felt a lot of shame and guilt about relapsing and once again being a burden to those around, but I’ve talked to my therapist more and also utilised something called my self-care toolbox (or my happy box). I recommend anybody who doesn’t have one to get one, cause it’s awesome. 

The premise of this toolbox is to be a place where your coping skills and strategies are all stored in one accessible location. Mine is an actual toolbox but it can be anything from a shoebox to a makeup case - anything that can hold items. I decided to cover mine in memes so that as soon as I see it I have a smile on my face, but again it can be anything that might make you happy. Inside I’ve put a teddy from when I was younger, a journal, some books, gum, stress-relief hand cream, and basically anything that could help me feel even a tiny bit better when I have those bad days. It’s great because when I’m struggling my mind tends to go blank and I can’t think of a single thing that would make me feel better. The toolbox makes it so that I don’t have to think of those things in the moment, I already have them ready for myself. 

Life can get really hard, and if anybody reading this is struggling (or you know somebody who is), please don’t feel guilty or ashamed. Reach out for support, make a happy box, and know that it’s ok not to be ok.

I appreciate everybody who takes time out of their day to read this post, it means a lot to me. If it resonates with you please share and I’m always looking for feedback on my blogs, so comments are welcome! I included the numbers of hotlines below for reference, please reach out if you need support. Hope everybody enjoys the last couple weeks of summer, you’re all awesome :) 

Youthline: 

Call 877.968.8491

Text ‘teen2teen’ to 839863

Chat at oregonyouthline.org

National crisis line:

1.800.273.8255